Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
