Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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