I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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