I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
