my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
