Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
