I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my phone needs a breathalizer
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize