sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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