Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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