We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
