she woke up with a sticky ear
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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