You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize