I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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