Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
