What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I have already put on my inside pants.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
