Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
