he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
