I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
