Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
