My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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