So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
