I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
