you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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