i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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