got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
