dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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