well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
