I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
