Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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