i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
