well I can't set my house on fire every night
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
