don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
