There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I need a beard to bite.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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