When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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