I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
