just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
