My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
