May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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