Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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