woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
