yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
