I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
