How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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