i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize