I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
