saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
