Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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