I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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