Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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