Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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