Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
