guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
