Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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