Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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