I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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