I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Life is so much better after having sex.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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