I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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