the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
