i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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