I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have tasted many bathrooms
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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