I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
