Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
