Why are handjobs necessary in class?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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