i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
